Swift and Barnowl's Battle

Ep. 11 of The Belles of St. Anthony's

Bonnie and I love lab assignments in Chemistry, because it gives us a chance to chat during class. Mr. Helm never makes a big deal about it as long as we keep it to a whisper. The chemistry is a nice bonus, at least for me.

"You notice what Swift did at lunch today?" Bonnie said.

"No, what?" I thought Swift had just been her usual self today. You turn your head, and there she is, and you spend thirty minutes eating and talking about your day with her.

"When she got out of the checkout line, I saw her and Barnowl both swerve around each other. They both had the dirtiest looks I've ever seen."

"Dude, careful." I lightly tapped her arms, which were rotating the test tubes around each other. The last thing anybody needed was a spill. Once she settled, I said, "Do they not like each other?"

"You'd think they have a lot in common."

I agreed. They were the two tiniest girls in our class. Both creep boys out, and I always had a feeling they both meant to do that. Both are good at math. Both like chess. Both make good conversation once you get to know them. Both like to try out the devices I put together at home. "I don't think I've ever seen them together."

"Why do you think that is?" Bonnie said.

After school we asked Esslie Yun, who'd been friends with Swift for years. We'd hang out with her if we had the same lunch.

As soon as she heard the name "Barnowl," her eyes grew into perfect circles. "I don't know," she hissed, "and I don't want to know."

"So there is a beef?" I said.

"Don't ask me. I've only known Swift since second grade, but she's known Barnowl since kindergarten. Maybe one of them pushed the other into a puddle or something, I dunno. I don't care. You absolutely cannot ask Swift. Mention Barnowl and she will shut down, if you keep mentioning her... Just don't."

We drew away, and Bonnie said, "This is serious."

"I had no idea." Bonnie and I both went to St. Peter's for grade school; Swift, Esslie, and Barnowl all came from Our Lady of Tender Mercy. We had no way to know. "Maybe we should do something."

"We should! We've been talking about the Beatitudes in Religion class. 'Blessed are the peacemakers'? We should make peace between Swift and Barnowl!"

We needed help, though. The next morning we found some of Barnowl's friends, Melissa and Skyler, to ask their thoughts.

"I dunno," Skyler said. "She doesn't really talk about Swift."

"Yeah, I went to Holy Cross," Melissa said, "so I was never around for any grade school beef."

"Whatever it is, it's no good to hold on to it forever. You're right, Bonnie, we should help them hash it out."

We came up with a plan right away: a chess game in the library after school. Bonnie and I would invite Swift during lunch, making it sound like she'd be playing with us. Melissa and Skyler would do the same for Barnowl.

When we arrived at the library, Barnowl was already seated with a fully-prepared board. Melissa pulled out a chair for Swift.

Swift took one look and spun toward the door. I had to throw my whole arm around her.

"What is she doing here?" she said through gritted teeth.

"Hey, look," Bonnie said, "we know you two don't get along, but we thought this would be a good way to settle your differences."

"I don't want to settle differences," Barnowl growled. "I want to go home."

"Just one game," Melissa said. "That's all we want. Come on. There's no reason at all you can't be friends."

Swift flashed her eyes at us. "Just one game?"

We nodded.

She sat down. She played White, so she made the first move.

"I don't know what they expect us to talk about," Barnowl said.

"Beats the heck out of me," Swift said. "You gonna move or you gonna sit on your butt?"

I began to sweat. Not off to the best start, exactly.

Barnowl made her move. "Haunt any houses lately?"

Swift's move. "Eat any mice lately?"

Barnowl stamped a knight forward. "You haven't changed one bit. This is just like eighth grade retreat!"

"I haven't changed? You still look like your fifth grade picture."

"You still look like your fourth grade picture."

I leaned forward. "Hey, I don't like where--"

"Oh yeah?" Swift said, focused on Barnowl. "My dress is still ruined because of you."

"You ruined my favorite pair of jeans!"

Both of them were raising their voices with each move and each barb, banging their chess pieces on the board like gavels. We heard old insults, old pranks, old accusations, old bad impressions, old ugly names.

Bonnie and I were holding onto each other for dear life. They didn't just have one beef. They had every beef.

Barnowl took Swift's rook. "You..."

Swift took Barnowl's bishop. "You..."

They said it simultaneously: "Runt!"

And Swift stormed off, just as she had originally wanted to do. I didn't even try to stop her, and neither did Bonnie. Barnowl watched her leave, and then once she was sure Swift was gone, also left.

They'd never come to blows, yet I felt lucky I didn't just lose an eye.

"Okay," I said, "so maybe we're not cut out to be peacemakers."

Bonnie straightened her glasses. "Worst idea I've ever had." Her attention turned to the board. As furiously and rapidly as those two traded insults, they had never stopped their game, and as far as any of us could tell, every move had been legal.

"How'd they do?" Skyler said, pulling her hair from her face.

Bonnie mumbled to herself, tracing the possible moves with her fingers. "Stalemate."